I hold the pictures
Of the words on
The edge of my tongue
And I'll wait for your
Toward the night
To catch them
Friday, December 6, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Sun speckled darts
Like diamonds pierced the dark ocean
Slicing through the salty water
Adrenalin pulsating through me
Pulling me to jump into the depth below
Allowing the black to swallow me whole
Catching the sun rays in my thought
And wrapping my back in a blanket of blue
I inhaled filling with the spirit of the dream
Feeling my body shift
Toward the soul of Santorini
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Friday, October 18, 2013
Let me rewind time a little....we have left Melbourne Australia heading for Athens Greece it is early Sunday morning....
The ending of night and the dawning of day have overlapped and my heart is thumping in my chest like I've never felt before.
Rainbow hues weave themselves through the clouds and finally I feel myself exhale for the first time in days.....we were finally on our way to Greece, and even though I was strapped into the seat on the plane, I still didn't believe it was happening.
The song Jimmy begins to play in my ears, the harmonica making my eyes close, I see my mum in my minds eye, this song also meaning so much to her. I think of her and how the core of who I have become is due to the woman she is. My heart beat grows stronger, longing for me to not lose her from my heart. The song draws me to my thoughts of where I have come from and who I am. I have played this so many times and every time these same lyrics stay with me long after the sound fades....
The Buffaloes used to say be proud of your name
The Buffaloes used to say be what you are
The Buffaloes used to say roam where you roam
The Buffaloes used to say do what you do
We are four hours away from our stop over in Doha Qatar, and I look at my friend Melanie and I just feel this wave of joy for her. This is a dream of hers coming true that the story that has flowed deep within her for as long as I can remember, is now becoming reality.
What was my reality in all of this? Was I also on a journey? As the light breaks through the window reflecting off the planes wing I wonder what my story is or where that story belongs......
I'm sitting awake on my 3rd night in Oia, Santorini, where I am at the beginning of a journey which I am taking with my friend Melanie, who is emerssed in the midst of a dream, writing the novel running through her veins (more on that to come later) and I have had this sense for most of the day that I need to write about our friendship because for the whole of the three days we have been in this majestic place my heart has been in shutdown mode.
Arriving in Oia we were met with this amazing sight, this was a place I had been told was in a sense a pilgrimage, a place undescribable, a place only once here, you truly understand what it means to be in Santorini.
But with that we also met an upward, downward, steep, rocky, uneven terrain of carved out stairs, hundreds and hundreds of them leading to our villa. I remember after our guide lead us through the streets of Oia and we reached the corner leading down into our resort Oia Mare I froze. How was I, for the next week, going to navigate up and down this labyrinth of stairs?
I thought I was keeping my cool, mentally and internally telling myself, "this will be ok Sarah, piece of cake" when really, I was petrified. For someone with RP, this was a disaster zone.
Our first night, we waited, we saw the most amazing sunset (nothing will ever again match this) and then we headed out for dinner, Melanie, well equipped with torches leading the way. To get into the heart of Oia the path leads up, and not three steps in, all my fears came flooding in, I began panicing, with each step, I felt less and less confident, I couldnt think straight, the darkness became darker, closed in, the steps flat, the light from the torches dimmer. I kept saying in my mind, "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't, I can't". We passed a woman who looked me in the eye, and barked at me "you dont need the torch, its bright enough" and four steps later I fell.
Then the real panic set in. I wanted to go back to the villa, I wanted to jump off the cliff face, I wanted to go home. I knew none of those options were possible, I knew I would not ben able to see to get back to the villa without Melanie leading the way, I couldnt jump off the cliff from fear of falling, and going home was not going to happen even if I tried. I started panicing, banging my forehead with my torch, eyes closed, holding back tears, but so desperately wanting to cry hysterically.
Then I heard this voice over my right shoulder "come on, don't give up, don't let this beat you, keep going" it was Melanie, waiting and encouraging, and believing in me, more than I could ever believe in myself. I still didnt move, but she stood and waited, and after a few minutes and self talk I got up, continued the journey upward to the restaurant. She didnt say anything, she kept going on as though nothing had occured, keeping the situation as normal as possible.
But this was not the end, and all I could think about was after dinner the harder part began, the downward journey. We took the path back down, like two snails, step by step by step and I hated every step, and hated that I could not enjoy any second of the journey and once back in the safety of the villa started thinking again, how can I get out of this place. For the next two days I went into shutdown mode emotionally, meaning, I also became silent, very internal, a nothingness.
Until today, after having a sleepless night, trying to work out how I was going to get out of here, I woke up, got up, had breakfast and as we embarked on our day and for somecreason I thought "take today, one step at a time" and simply thats what I did. The result was, yes I went slower, took longer, became more focused, didnt look up as much, but I felt safer, more connected to the stepping action and made in to the top thinking I will not tumble to my death (not to say that that may not happen in the next few days), but today I felt safe.
As a result I ended up sharing a fantastic day exploring Fira, another part of Santorini, enjoying the company of my beautiful friend. Toward the end of the day, I received an email from my Mum, she said "One does not need to go bungee jumping to have an experience, that it is in the smaller where profound experience occurs" and this made total sense and finally gave me the gateway to express to Melanie how I felt about the falling, and she knew how important it was for her to push me in that moment where I sat on the stairs in the dark, wanting to just run and hide somewhere.
In that moment I literally felt my heart shift. After 20 years of knowing her and having her in my life, she saw me at my most vunerable, and she didn't desert me. I hold so tightly to the importance of not giving showing my complete fear of going blind and suddenly Im in a place where I have to surrender to it. Even though I have had moments of fear in the dark, crowds, new places, stairs, nothing will ever match this, and she got me through this.
So although this is the place where dreams are becoming reality, this is also becoming a place where fears are faced. I am yet again reminded why I am friends with Melanie.......for that I am truly grateful.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
I sit at your old desk
I drain the ink from your pens
Trying to think your thoughts
And step where you walked
I shift the date and turn over the past
I fold you among my piles of paper
And hide you in the mess of my scribbled notes
You are here
Sunday, April 7, 2013
As soon as you commit yourself to a challenge another comes your way, so writing a poem each day for the month of April was put on hold when my brother was suddenly admitted to hospital....
So I dedicate this one to my brother.....
caged wings fly inward
fluttering dreams float downward
the heart craves outward
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Luka Lesson, reminds me on this early morning when I'm feeling at my least creative, that April is poetry month. He has set the challenge to write a poem every day for this month....I will accept the challenge...
CAUGHT ON THE NAIL
the lump in my throat
holds your gaze
heavy on my face
there are words
you cant move
check Luka out at the below....he is one talented inspiring gem...thanks Luka....
Friday, March 22, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
of another cancelled train
and I stand in the harsh sun
feeling my thoughts begin to boil
two teenage boys
with pungent body odour eating McDonalds
bounce around an old man who is all arms legs and wrinkly fingers crossed
he watches a cranky baby
with a messy sticky face
wriggling in her pusher
and I close my eyes
feeling my salty tears
flood my being
drowning me in the muck and stench
of this endless summers heat
Monday, March 11, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
the walked upon path
folds round the back
of my head
my eyes get lost
in the space
as my shoulders hang
in the cupboard in the
corner of your room
with my grandmothers hands
I draw you close
the throat releases
a silent cry
my spine the paddle
to row my lost boat
to the safety
of your shore
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Forwarded message ---------- From: "Sean Ross"
Thursday, February 14, 2013
yesterday I cried at work.
yesterday I cried in my manager's office.
yesterday I cried.
I have always had this thing about not being emotional at work and by showing emotion you are in a sense showing a sign of weakness; I know crying is not weakness, it's an expression of feeling overwhelmed and this bubbling emotion inside needs to be released.
yesterday I cried.
Four months ago I was thrown into a leadership position where I became the supervisor for a division in our contract, Citipower Special Reading.
I never thought that I would be in this position, I never thought I had the capacity to lead people. I never believed I would be given an opportunity to take this role.
yesterday I cried.
I have had four believers in my court....actually as I write that I realise I have a lot of believers. However, professionaly I have four clear front runners.
Paul McCann our Operations Manager, he's my friend firstly, but he's always been an advocate of mine at work. He's a perfect example of how I want to lead people....
Sean Keuneman my contract manager who I am grateful for the trust he has in me. Unfortunately we have over my three years with Servicestream had some testing times personally, yet I have come to realise the heart on his sleeve is purely that, a heart.....you can't deny the heart.
Michael Hill who no longer works with us, but he, I think, started mentoring me long before I showed any potential, I see that now.....I will always be grateful for his presence in my life.
Finally Matt Mannix. He was the reason I cried yesterday. He is my biggest advocate, he has believed in my ability, tested my capability, put pressure, shown me how to lead, shown compassion, worked with my strengths and encouraged. I have trusted whole heartedly in him and I thank him for the times he has been in the direct firing line of my impatience, frustrations my self disappointment but ultimately my eagerness to be the best I can be.
Yesterday I cried because of that, and I sit here now filling with that same emotion.
These men have never stopped believing in me even when I have....
for that I am grateful....
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
I use the word right somewhat loosely. We ALL have equal rights and needs and a level of deserved respect, but I wonder where that stops.
I NEVER want to use my platform here to grandstand my ideas or beliefs, I never want to use it for negativity or anger, I want this to be a place of peace, love and joy.
Writing does serve me well, writing gives me clarity, writing will ALWAYS be a voice I cant change.
Today I received some news, that can possibly have the ability to effect the path forward.
I am grateful that these past few months have taught me to breathe and to breathe through what potentially a few months back I would easily have allowed myself to fall in a darkness.......
I am grateful.....
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Looking toward gratitude has given me comfort, after a really testing day.
I'm grateful for getting a ride home from work from Paul always great conversation, great music, laughter (soul food) and not having to face public transport, soooooo grateful for that.
I'm grateful for the amazing dinner my grandmother cooked for me, always feeds me on many levels. Spending time with her is priceless, I am a better person because of her and all she is in my life.
I'm grateful for the music of Imelda May...I can become anything through music :-) (more soul food!!)
And as I'm about to switch the light off on today I receive an sms from my friend Melanie telling me she loved the poem I posted on here this morning. Her support and belief makes the writing journey rewarding. Her friendship makes me a better forever developing Sarah, and for that I am grateful.....
Lastly I am grateful that tomorrow will present a new opportunity to do see and create better...
I saw your brother yesterday
I sat behind him on the bus
I wanted to ask him about you
I thought he looked back at me
I felt the clenching of my hand
I remembered the sand on my skin
I watched the clouds gather
I tasted the salt on my lips
I still held you in my heart
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Some friendships no matter what time or space present, can for some unknown reason, survive.
I met Anna during our time at the cafe, she was a loyal customer, who became a friend, and at that time I was grateful.
In the beginning of our friendship, Anna was possibly going through one of the toughest things we all will ever experience; the death of her mother. I am glad that at that time I could be there for her.
We parted ways, Anna started the beginning of a new career (which I might add is truly flourishing now!!) and I too was on a different path, having finished up at the cafe, travelling and finding a new career for myself.
But we never lost contact, even when not seeing each other that often, in fact, due to circumstance, having not spent any time together for two years.
Two days ago she entered my mind, and I sent her a SMS just saying hi, and hoping she was doing OK.
Today we caught up over a coffee.
Anna had not changed (do we ever anyway!!) the warmth of her being just pushed me back in my chair, her presence comforting....
Today I am grateful for Anna.....
Friday, February 1, 2013
She too lives with Retinitis Pigmentosa and she continually affirms the belief, as the title of her book announces BELIEVING IS SEEING....thank you Laura....check out Laura's blog at http://lauralawsonart.com/blog
I have just reached page 26 where Laura talks about night vision or lack of and how in company, walking and navigating is best done by linking arms and mirroring the stride of someone close.
It instantly made me think of my aunt Nicole, who is by far the greatest guide for me. She gets me places, she doesn't wait for me to process the "what ifs" or me becoming a victim....we get going and I know I need to trust her more than I do because by not trusting I make it harder for her.
I am grateful for you Nicole (for many reasons!!!) and for this I love you....
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Already the gratitude movement begins....grateful for this email this morning....thank you Deb :-)
On 31/01/2013, at 10:19 AM, "Deborah Ellks" wrote:
Sarah, just read your blog….fresh, raw, honest, free, and so YOU!!!!! Thanks for sharing. I trust 2013 is going to be awesome whatever it brings!!! Keep in mind your outcome …. Peace, contentment, there’s a million roads to there……no right .. no wrong….and most important of all … enjoy!
With love deb x
From: Sarah [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Thursday, 31 January 2013 11:07 AM
To: Deborah Ellks
Subject: Re: blog
Thank you....your email has warmed my heart and yet again added to the things I'm grateful for :-) I don't like to break things down too much and micro analyze and say THIS IS THE YEAR WHEN ALL GOOD THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN....I know that's not how it works....(actually I am a micro analyst!!!!) but trying the each day as it comes method, see how I go....
From: "Deborah Ellks"
Date: 31 January 2013 11:21:37 AM AEDT
Subject: RE: blog
enjoy the journey and have a great day!!! Funnily enough I’m sitting here writing a report, and gone back to basics in structuring the report…OMG……here’s my inspiration for today (for me….and now you if you choose!)…I keep reading to myself out loud!!! And giggling occasionally.
“You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
This year it will be 18 years ago that I was diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP). For the past 18 years I have lived with, through, beside, in denial, because of, in response to and against the disease. Before I began writing and even thinking about gratitude I would have said living with RP would be the thing I am the least grateful for having in my life, believing that my life would be better, that I would be better, without it.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
We were sitting by an indoor swimming pool.
Birds kept flying toward us.
The roof had the texture of a floral painting and the birds had been sketched
into the air.
Neither of us went swimming, but you went into the change rooms but never came out....