As my light becomes dark

I intertwine my words and vision into woven light

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

How hearts break

Carboard boxes
Hold the grief
Which I fold
Aound the broken
Glass and silent dreams

Needle and thread
Stitch my voice
Around my heart
Swallowing the past life
That now no longer exists

Friday, October 24, 2014

What the Island Told Me

A year ago today, I stood on the edge of the caldera over looking Thirasia.

I was in Santorini

I was with my friend.

I celebrated and reflected. 

I inhaled the oceans breath

and I fell deeper into myself

re-emerging from the sea

inhaling the spirit of the island.

This was no longer a dream.



In time the heart heals and experience drapes our backs with a cape of gold.  I live this  life, with the intention of imprinting the earth with my unique spirit.

As I look deeper within I see the shadows of myself, and realise without the dark there is no light, the light I  hold deep within my soul.

I am grateful for the year I have just lived, more so than any other year

I am alive








Monday, October 20, 2014

THE FLOW OF LIGHT

I twitch my toes
and shake my foot
I cross my fingers
to catch the hope
I count my breaths
to ten and back
I miss my mothers family
and hold my heart
I dream of darkness
and deny the light
I fight with the space
and fear to let go



















Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Aquamarine Seas

Do I have a right to stamp my feet and scream and cry because of failure? 
I have failed, because I did not see.  
Now I have to process and make sense of this loss......  






She sold her reflection for four hundred dollars
Beauty held in her palm
Paper twirling with blue markings
In the summers breeze
A conversation with her hands
She sold her reflection for four hundred dollars
While standing on foreign land
She paid for coffee
And the movie where trees have faith
She writes about the inner pantomime
Her love of his music
And her dreams of flying
She sold her reflection for four hundred dollars
But her soul is now seen for free





Monday, August 25, 2014

SEEING THROUGH THE PAINT

If you paint, write, do mosaics, knit - if it's solving that part of your brain
 saying,  'I need to do this,' you've won.
Albert Brooks


"What do you do?" I was asked.   This woman had the warmest of smiles.

"What do I do?" I repeated aloud, I knew this was not a question about the Energy & Water industry which had given me a career for the past seven years.  I could feel myself begin to shake.  

"I don’t know" I felt out of my depth. The writer in me was silenced; the visionary who captured photos lost her vision.
I wanted to say :

“Ask me what I WANT to do.” 

But before I knew it my words were no longer trapped and I half-halfheartedly answered.

“Oh I write poetry, and I have a blog” very uncommitted to my deep rumbling voice that had been breathing in lines of poetry for quite some time.  But realising in this moment I didn’t really believe I was a poet.

Then my mother chimed in, “she takes photographs.”  I looked at my mother.  Or should I say, glared at her.

I take photographs like a real amateur, I felt like saying.  On my Samsung phone, uploading onto Instagram.  The social media force captured me and I began sharing photos, 3007 images  later I was a true Instagrammer, it was a social pass time, sharing photos with my friends.  Capturing moments in my life.

That was until my friend Marie practically grabbed me by the hand and took me to print my photographs for the first time ever.  She said “Sarah, you take photos of things most people just walk past.”

I realised that this had become my way of seeing, a way of knowing, and a new way of being.

So there I stood in the middle of the art gallery, humbled to be in the presence of an artist who believed in story telling through art, who described to me the freedom that comes from saying the words “I am an artist” something I had never done, but something I know my heart so wanted to speak.  And then she spoke of how she would love to teach art classes to people who want to be creative.

I almost jumped up and down.  That’s me, that’s what I want to do.  Learn about art, and create art in a non-threatening way, in a rewarding way.   I know, more than anything that there are few things that bring a level of calm over me (music, showers and theater shows) but mostly above anything else I know about my life, when I am creating something I am in another world.  It’s a feeling I crave and am obsessed by.

Before I knew about it, not more than a month later, I was sitting at my first EVER painting class. In a warm kitchen, and above me a glass roof, it was a winter afternoon and even though the day was gloomy and cold, inside this room, it was warm and comfortable.  I felt really calm, really happy and blessed to be surrounded by women (who I now know and see as talented creative women that inspire me to be better, create better and experience creativeness in a new found way) and here I was sitting beside my best friend Marie, and watching her experience this as I was filled me with so much happiness. 

And then, for the first time ever I began to mix colours.  I couldn’t believe that you can take one colour and by adding the smallest amount of another colour you then create another colour….to me that is amazing.



I am an observer, I love watching other people work, concentrate, get lost in their thoughts and their doings.  I loved watching these women and I found I loved that equally as much as being a part of creating.  I loved watching our teacher teach, and show and guide us on this path, and mostly I loved the joy in her face when we got something, created something and enjoyed our little creative moments.  To me, me feeling all this was a credit to her teaching.  Week one was all joy for me.

Week two we began the class with a 90 second exercise to draw/paint an object in front of us.  I had NEVER drawn like this before, looking and seeing objects in their true form.  90 seconds seemed to go on forever, and I couldn't believe that I could draw by seeing, rather than thinking what I should be drawing.  

This followed with an exercise of drawing by looking at the object but not looking at the page.  I was dictated by my thought “Sarah, you are already visually impaired, draw how you SEE” this came really naturally, sound and feeling took over, I could hear the edge of the pencil scrapping along the white paper.  I could feel the pull on my eyelids, trying to close and do this in darkness.  This time 90 seconds was not long enough.  The final exercise was possibly, one of the hardest things I had done. 

No looking at the page and using our non-dominant hand.  I felt paralysed.  I couldn't put the pencil on the paper.  It felt really unnatural “I can’t do it” looking up pencil hovering over the page.  But I closed my eyes and sat in the darkness, before I knew it I was drawing.  It freed me, it freed me from the pull of not doing it.  After 90 seconds I opened my eyes and looked down, I was astounded how much of form can be drawn with thought alone.

Then we moved on to learn about shadowing and tone, when I say “to learn” we are talking very informally, looking at pictures, the teacher talking about technique and having a go.  This is where I learnt my self taught lesson, of, less is more, and was able to translate the voice in my being into an image of a bowl.




Week three by far was the one of great experiment, texture and background and discovering how important a background is to any good foreground.  I loved the idea of creating the less important bit to create the important bit, loved that.  Being with others who were as excited as me and watching how we each see and navigate the creative world differently was a great experience. Yet again feeling terribly inspired.



As week four approached, I felt an overwhelming amount of dread, Saturdays and painting had become my favourite thing in my week, and painting had become my new way of seeing.  Between classes I was thinking about the ideas in my mind and the need to get them out.  I was thinking about colour and paint brushes and wanting everyone to feel my joy.

The thought of that ending created a sense of sadness in me I never felt before.



But I realise creating art never ends, it creates more opportunity. The classes were not ending, they were only beginning.

I am an extreme believer of serendipitous experiences and the earth creates 
experiences to guide us, protect us and give us what we need.


Here I was where my best friend believed in me and my photography.  Where she was the first to understand it as a way of me seeing. This set me in a new direction.  

Going to see an art show by an extremely talented woman, who has always inspired 
greatness in me (thank you Sarah!).  

Being with my mother and my aunt at this art show (and both of them being two of  my greatest believers).

And finally meeting, Anna, who in her own right too is a talented artist.
  
These people and those circumstances landed me in a position where I was asked a question I consciously had never answered before from my heart.  That question presented and opportunity and THAT opportunity allows me to be a student of Anna's.

And already, even after four weeks, she has been able to 
teach and share and provide me with a new and exciting way of SEEING

                       

  

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Suspended in mid flight........

It is 9pm and I am alone, on my return flight to Melbourne, and although the past 4 and a half weeks I've been allowed the luxury of reflecting on my trip, it is now at 35000 feet flying over Istanbul, I feel a sense of myself connecting with the enormity of where I have been for the past month.   

As I head home, I feel like I'm returning to the person I need to be.

I have spent an enormous amount of my life feeling, thinking and believing  I can BE better, but in Santorini I was stripped bare. I couldn't hide from the nature of the island, and the deep confrontation was myself, and on every occasion where my boundaries were pushed I became extremely aware of my heart.

Waking on the first morning in Oia, I walked out onto the landing of our villa.   I stood and became suddenly aware of the silence.  Looking across the caldera the view of Thirasia, the natural enormity astounded me.  My heart started thumping realising my life had become visions of man made spectacles.   My once connectedness to nature had ceased.  Yet again something I was so unaware of.  Childhood memories of the King Valley come flooding back, the silence of the place reflected images of my childhood.  It was so present I could feel it beating in me, moment upon moment in my ears.

This was my heart.

How could two places, geographically so different be so similar in my being.  Mornings in the King Valley, where dew and mist draped the earth and the sky and mountains met.  The sun slowly would rise behind our house and the deep green rising to life from the night time fog.  The sun would break the darkness.

Eyes closed now the vision so clear,  even though I am conjuring a 20 year old memory.  Cobwebs snagged me on my morning walk to our outside toilet and the brown of dead leaves blowing in the cold of breaking dawn air.  The silence indescribable, and there I was in Oia, feeling those same feelings where my voice was no longer larger or stronger than my thought.

That was my heart.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Blame it on me

Older than
The light that
Shines from me
Like the stories
That will stay

I call
To the darkening

        winds

Tell me how you feel







Today I learn the lesson about intention and expectation.

Instinct will always guide you if you allow it to be a voice worth listening too.  Instinct will give you clues, instinct will always serve you the best laid plan to protect you.

I have never been one to look within and only see the light that shines from me, I always see my dark, my shadow.

But the intention with me is to always live a life with goodness. I  always give people the sun, I see that we come from unique places and recognising that is gratitude alone, not the outward level of praise is required.

I love life...




Saturday, August 2, 2014

my soul

The heart of the

Mountains beat
               Deep in the valley
While kings weep over
Tree tops

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Chaser

Gravity pulled
Me to the ground
                 As your scream

Suffocates

Like clouds that cling to my

outside

Monday, July 28, 2014

What is in my cup.....

I thought the begining of this year had left my spirit but I feel like I have just pulled back the past and wrapped it over my back like an old wooly jumper that smells like burnt out fire embers.

I keep dreaming of the people.  Why am I so overcome by my own emotion  even though I removed the past life.  And now you blow around like smoke, weaving across my heart

And I hold tight onto the flesh to make sure the beat is there.....

                        

When will you fold away into the dark......





Cup, not
Defined by my
Truth

Saturday, July 26, 2014

From the Apartment




To the darkness that rages deep
To the gut turning YOU create
To the anxious heart you shake
I remember

Clutching at my flesh and
Weaving it back together
With golden thread
Making myself whole

To the pain you stir
To the memory of what was
And what you did
The uncertainty now returns
And MY heart needs mending again

YOU are in the dark of me




Wednesday, May 28, 2014

An open letter of forgivness to Sarah

Dear Sarah

This is an open letter of FORGIVNESS....by the time you write the final word you must be ready, ready to lead from a place where you treat yourself with the same love and respect you treat others with.

Going blind is not the curse you are burdened with.  Going blind has actually become the backbone of your spirit. 
Your curse is YOU the you which is not confident or brave or a self believer. 
You sit alone with yourself and think you have lost your mind.
You think you are responsible for how others judge you and 
You criticize your spirit till you break it.  

But today you will make peace with yourself.

I HATE how no one believed you as a child when you repetivly said you couldn't see.

I HATE that as a child you were left in dark situations and were petrified.  
I HATE for the night walks on school camps and you getting left behind on your own where you felt your first sense of isolation in dark and silence.  

I HATE for the bike rides home in the middle of winter at night, riding home from netball training where you were part of a team who didn't want you as much as you didn't want to be there because you couldn't see the netball.  
I HATE for the roller skating rinks with flashing lights, parties and discos,  staying at friends places and knocking over glasess and glasses of milk and being yelled at, walking into barbed wire fences, walking into trees walking into your friends.

I HATE that you were a drama queen and you set yourself up to not be believed,  that being so needy of attention didn't allow room for truth to serve you well.

I HATE that when you were 17 years old you made the grown up decision of not obtaining a drivers license,  for knowing the pain of one day relinquishing the right. And I HATE from that day forward you have battled with yourself about that integral part of becoming a young adult and in one part of your mind you will always be that 17 year old.  
I HATE how you have to go with your mum to family functions and at times feel trapped when you can't leave.  
I HATE how you have to rely on people at times to get you places and I HATE that they don't mind and I HATE you feel like you are putting people out.  
I HATE that you be stubborn and sometimes put yourself in situations that are unsafe.

I HATE the rubbish bin at your aunties that you used to always trip over and the cuburbs you smash your face on, the metal pillars,  the steps and gutters, dark hallways, small children, pets, chairs, the corners of furniture.

I HATE the time you were introduced to a young guy at a party who lived with deafness, no one told you he was deaf or him that you were visually impaired and you did not see him stick out his hand to shake yours and he thought you were rude. I HATE all the hand shaking moments you have missed,  or the missed waves of hello. 

I HATE your lack of eyesight means you miss out on taking your niece and nephew out into the world, to the shops, to the park just with you.

I HATE the thoughts you have of being late anywhere,  entering a room on your own, crowds, dark venues and door handles you can't find.

I HATE how you were crippled by panic on the island of Santorini,  how the beauty and enormoity of the place was so astounding and soul shaking it possibly changed your spirit.  You saw first hand how your visual impairment can burden others, and I HATE that 8 months later you still blame yourself for that time.

I HATE how you feel responsible that your friends have turned their back on you. You are not responsible for thier choice.  They don't deserve what you have to offer.

I HATE the frustration and anger and the pretending when things really are not OK.  I HATE the uncertainty about time frames and cures and the loss of hope that eats around the periphery.

But mostly I HATE the fear you have learnt over the past twenty years and have carried with you and in you.  Your anxiety is real your concerns true.  BUT that is where you need to leave it.

Your life is NOW, and you are a beautiful caring human.  And its time to make peace and resolve with yourself.  Matt Corby you saved my soul from truly breaking My Resolution the true message in song.


Sarah I believe in you
And Sarah with each obstacle I know you will look straight down the barrel and combat and fight.
Sarah I love you

Sarah I forgive you









Sunday, May 25, 2014

The Writing Process Blog Tour

 The secret of life is to fall seven times and get up eight ~ Paulo Coehlo


I have become part of the Monday Writing Process Blog Tour.  The aim of the tour is to bring together writers and readers from all corners of the globe answer four questions and then invite other writers to do the same.  Bee Williamson invited me along.  She has always been a believer in me, featuring me in her blog.  Thanks Bee, I feel totally honored for your invite.  You can check out her blog at:

http://beesboutiquebooks.biz/wordpress/

So the questions...

What am I working on?
I am always working, writing I think is almost like breathing to me, even when there is no physicality in the act, I am always thinking and looking for inspiration.  I have recently begun a mentorship with Maribel Steel, a talented writer, but also a personal inspiration, is guiding and nurturing me on a journey through poetry.  My deep desire is to be able to combine poetry and photography, essentially create art.


How does my work differ from others of its genre?
My poetry is primarily based on a stream of thoughts, usually I take an initial image, or place in time, feeling and then run with it.  I think I am still in the developing stage, refining my thoughts and articulating the power of a single line.  I am not entirely sure I differ from others in the poetry world.  I in fact think each poet/writer, in their own right, is different.  But what I do hope with my writing is that I have the ability to move something in someone, that’s it, it’s pretty simple, I am not in this for writing fame or big publishing, just to be able to touch someone and move someone.

Why do I write what I do?
I write to free my inner voice that seems to have little room for expression in the world I live.  I write to show, to be free, to discover, to feel and ultimately grow.  If this was posed as the question “WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU WANT TO DO” writing would complete me.

How does my writing process work?
Inspiration is like sunrise.  Just before rising, it hovers on the horizon, peeking slowly over, and then suddenly it arrives, inspiration hits.  I am not a late night writer (I love my sleep too much) I don’t wake during the night inspired.  I am my best early morning, fresh mind, open heat and poised pen.  I am always finding inspiration walking the streets, on the tram, under the sun, in the fresh air, I pull out my phone, head to Google keep and start taking notes of what I see, and what I feel.


So that’s how I begin...with heart and mind.



And now I invite Rashma N. Kalsie to take part.  Rashma is an Indian writer-playwright based in Australia. She is the founder of Indian Diaspora Dramatics Association, a registered incorporated association in Victoria. She represents Indian dramatic tradition in Australia in the capacity of an MAV/MTC Ambassador, 2013-14.

She is the co-author of Ohh! Gods Are Online.. published by a renowned Indian publishing house, Srishti Publishers in June, 2013. Her book has received media attention and appreciative reviews.

She has written several plays. Her original play, ‘The Lost Dog’, was recently produced with the help of funds from the Council of The City of Greater Dandenong. The play was acclaimed by the press and received well by the audience and journalists. The production was reported widely in newspapers (Leader, G’Day India, and SBS Radio) and reviewed by Indian Link, an Indian-Australian newspaper. The play script has received over 1000 hits on an Australian theatre website, where it was first posted. Rashma had produced and directed the play. 

She was recently invited by Women Writing for (a) Change, a foundation that runs 8 writing schools in USA. She presented a talk on play writing and production, ‘From the Page to the Stage’, to a group of writers in Cincinnati, Ohio where the Foundation has its head office.

She is an appointed editor on Passionate 4 Prose, a website for writers.

She has contributed to e-zines like Garamchai.com, in the past. Her write up, ‘How I Used NetOrbis.Com To Produce My Play And Go House Full In 40 Days Flat’ received a 100,000 views on NetOrbis.com, a social media website. She contributes, by the way of interviewing artists and writers, to Straight Talk on NetOrbis.Com. Her poem, “Remains of love”, was presented in a poetry program on Phoenix FM 106.7 MHz, Bendigo.

You can check out Rashma and her talent at:

http://blogtounblock.blogspot.com.au

Sunday, March 23, 2014

In the new world

I removed the past life
Where I survived on you
You blew around like smoke
Weaving across my heart
Making sure its beat was there

Monday, March 17, 2014

jealous, manipulator, toxic, neurotic, user, difficult, paranoid, negative

Black is
The wind caught between
           Its the hollow space
Holding onto echoes and the emptiness         
Black strangles the spirit             From the bird                                     

Black longs for connection     From the loneliness             

Black is the secret           Black is the memory         Black is the thought

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Takes a boy

Her cloth draped
Over her arm
Sunlight fell from
The place nobody
Ever walked
Throw her heart
To the wind
Kiss and make
Her dying sunsets
Break