Trapped in believing

I hold the pictures
Of the words on
The edge of my tongue
And I'll wait for your
Thoughts, faced
Toward the night
To catch them

Feelin like a prison

Drop me into
The deep
Lend me your
Anchoring
Hymns that
Sink into
The depths of
Your beautiful lake

A night in London

The longing and happiness
Will be left behind again
As the night slips away
And the lions roar
Calls me deeper into you

Don't make me feel

Under my skin
The things you
Want to find
Are hidden beneath
The rocks and moss
And the flowing river
My whispers among
The vines
Of the willow
Revealing the trapped
Secrets that scratch away
At my inside

It will wait

Sorrow birds
Flap their wings
My feet ache for soil
And the warmth of his breath

Tricks to magic

Beside my nothing
Is the everything
I longed for
All my memories
Buried in the depths
Of the earth
White boxes
Single flowers
And rainbow colors
Oh lover I love
In the hope, there is
In someday

The record plays

The scent of love
Makes music with
The strings of my heart
My clichéd imperfections
Love the ghost in my darkness
I will not speak
But wonder will my heart
Ever be again this hungry

Rewind the night

Darkness decends
Eyes
Closed tight
Against the flashing red
Confetti spots
That speak in silent words
Slowly groping at
The high ceilings
Where shadows hide
Between light
Covered footsteps

Dancing with the monks

Voices of monks
Worship the ground I walk
Cement and noise
And iron gates
Close me out
Crushing the fragments
Of my truth

To love

With thoughts of
Our grandmother's
We united in love
For their love
In their love

The arrival

Sun speckled darts
Like diamonds pierced the dark ocean
Slicing through the salty water
Adrenalin pulsating through me
Pulling me to jump into the depth below
Allowing the black to swallow me whole
Catching the sun rays in my thought
And wrapping my back in a blanket of blue
I inhaled filling with the spirit of the dream
Feeling my body shift
Toward the soul of Santorini

Into the Sun

I could hear your whispers
Along the way
Calling me
I followed the sound
l found you, I found you

Tell me stories of the sea

I stare into the deep blue
Voices of strangers call me
The doorway arches toward the sun
I am because of my friend

Turning toward the night
I see my reflection in the
Fold of the cloud
As stones drop into the depth of me.

Part 1 Sunday 13th October....The buffalo used to say

Let me rewind time a little....we have left Melbourne Australia heading for Athens Greece it is early Sunday morning....

The ending of night and the dawning of day have overlapped and my heart is thumping in my chest like I've never felt before.

Rainbow hues weave themselves through the clouds and finally I feel myself exhale for the first time in days.....we were finally on our way to Greece, and even though I was strapped into the seat on the plane, I still didn't believe it was happening.

The song Jimmy begins to play in my ears, the harmonica making my eyes close, I see my mum in my minds eye, this song also meaning so much to her.  I think of her and how the core of who I have become is due to the woman she is.  My heart beat grows stronger, longing for me to not lose her from my heart.  The song draws me to my thoughts of where I have come from and who I am. I have played this so many times and every time these same lyrics stay with me long after the sound fades....

The Buffaloes used to say be proud of your name
The Buffaloes used to say be what you are
The Buffaloes used to say roam where you roam
The Buffaloes used to say do what you do

We are four hours away from our stop over in Doha Qatar, and I look at my friend Melanie and I just feel this wave of joy for her.  This is a dream of hers coming true that the story that has flowed deep within her for as long as I can remember, is now becoming reality.

What was my reality in all of this? Was I also on a journey? As the light breaks through the window reflecting off the planes wing I wonder what my story is or where that story belongs......

The stairs of Santorini

I'm sitting awake on my 3rd night in Oia, Santorini, where I am at the beginning of a journey which I am taking with my friend Melanie, who is emerssed in the midst of a dream, writing the novel running through her veins (more on that to come later) and I have had this sense for most of the day that I need to write about our friendship because for the whole of the three days we have been in this majestic place my heart has been in shutdown mode.

Arriving in Oia we were met with this amazing sight, this was a place I had been told was in a sense a pilgrimage, a place undescribable, a place only once here, you truly understand what it means to be in Santorini.

But with that we also met an upward, downward, steep, rocky, uneven terrain of carved out stairs, hundreds and hundreds of them leading to our villa. I remember after our guide lead us through the streets of Oia and we reached the corner leading down into our resort Oia Mare I froze. How was I, for the next week, going to navigate up and down this labyrinth of stairs?

I thought I was keeping my cool, mentally and internally telling myself, "this will be ok Sarah, piece of cake" when really, I was petrified. For someone with RP, this was a disaster zone.

Our first night, we waited, we saw the most amazing sunset (nothing will ever again match this) and then we headed out for dinner, Melanie, well equipped with torches leading the way. To get into the heart of Oia the path leads up, and not three steps in, all my fears came flooding in, I began panicing, with each step, I felt less and less confident, I couldnt think straight, the darkness became darker, closed in, the steps flat, the light from the torches dimmer. I kept saying in my mind, "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't, I can't". We passed a woman who looked me in the eye, and barked at me "you dont need the torch, its bright enough" and four steps later I fell.

Then the real panic set in. I wanted to go back to the villa, I wanted to jump off the cliff face, I wanted to go home. I knew none of those options were possible, I knew I would not ben able to see to get back to the villa without Melanie leading the way, I couldnt jump off the cliff from fear of falling, and going home was not going to happen even if I tried. I started panicing, banging my forehead with my torch, eyes closed, holding back tears, but so desperately wanting to cry hysterically.

Then I heard this voice over my right shoulder "come on, don't give up, don't let this beat you, keep going" it was Melanie, waiting and encouraging, and believing in me, more than I could ever believe in myself. I still didnt move, but she stood and waited, and after a few minutes and self talk I got up, continued the journey upward to the restaurant. She didnt say anything, she kept going on as though nothing had occured, keeping the situation as normal as possible.

But this was not the end, and all I could think about was after dinner the harder part began, the downward journey. We took the path back down, like two snails, step by step by step and I hated every step, and hated that I could not enjoy any second of the journey and once back in the safety of the villa started thinking again, how can I get out of this place. For the next two days I went into shutdown mode emotionally, meaning, I also became silent, very internal, a nothingness.

Until today, after having a sleepless night, trying to work out how I was going to get out of here, I woke up, got up, had breakfast and as we embarked on our day and for somecreason I thought "take today, one step at a time" and simply thats what I did. The result was, yes I went slower, took longer, became more focused, didnt look up as much, but I felt safer, more connected to the stepping action and made in to the top thinking I will not tumble to my death (not to say that that may not happen in the next few days), but today I felt safe.

As a result I ended up sharing a fantastic day exploring Fira, another part of Santorini, enjoying the company of my beautiful friend. Toward the end of the day, I received an email from my Mum, she said "One does not need to go bungee jumping to have an experience, that it is in the smaller where profound experience occurs" and this made total sense and finally gave me the gateway to express to Melanie how I felt about the falling, and she knew how important it was for her to push me in that moment where I sat on the stairs in the dark, wanting to just run and hide somewhere.

In that moment I literally felt my heart shift. After 20 years of knowing her and having her in my life, she saw me at my most vunerable, and she didn't desert me. I hold so tightly to the importance of not giving showing my complete fear of going blind and suddenly Im in a place where I have to surrender to it. Even though I have had moments of fear in the dark, crowds, new places, stairs, nothing will ever match this, and she got me through this.

So although this is the place where dreams are becoming reality, this is also becoming a place where fears are faced. I am yet again reminded why I am friends with Melanie.......for that I am truly grateful.

A few small rooms

We sit beneath 

The gold of the wattle tree

Taking rest

By the mud infused dam

We were told

She was a wandering spirit

Moved by the flow

Of our love

And like breath

                 

               We hold onto it

Giving up the resolution

I sit at your old desk
I drain the ink from your pens
Trying to think your thoughts
And step where you walked
I shift the date and turn over the past
I fold you among my piles of paper
And hide you in the mess of my scribbled notes
You are here

My Bird

As soon as you commit yourself to a challenge another comes your way, so writing a poem each day for the month of April was put on hold when my brother was suddenly admitted to hospital....

So I dedicate this one to my brother.....

MY BIRD

caged wings fly inward
fluttering dreams float downward
the heart craves outward

fickle moments of love

the constant
the storms
the trouble
your blue of blues
the loop
the dives
the wanted
your done is well
the loom
the worry
the surrender
your tracks are marked
the beneath
the silence
the slaughter
your presence

Poem 2, day 3 ~ When it seems to Grow

for my birthday
you ran your fingers
though my hair
never understanding
why the world
stopped
never understanding
why your laugh
still played in my ear
beckoning
me to dance
desperate, not letting me
go

Poetry Month....Luka Lesson sets my challenge

Luka Lesson, reminds me on this early morning when I'm feeling at my least creative, that April is poetry month.  He has set the challenge to write a poem every day for this month....I will accept the challenge...

CAUGHT ON THE NAIL

the lump in my throat
holds your gaze
heavy on my face
there are words
you cant move

check Luka out at the below....he is one talented inspiring gem...thanks Luka....

http://lukalesson.org

https://mobile.twitter.com/LukaLesson

don't disappoint

im as helpless
and hopeless
as the feather
on the river
that runs through
my childhood
that can't
make it to
the other side

Platform Three

screaming announcements
of another cancelled train
and I stand in the harsh sun
feeling my thoughts begin to boil
two teenage boys
with pungent body odour eating McDonalds
bounce around an old man who is all arms legs and wrinkly fingers crossed
he watches a cranky baby
with a messy sticky face
wriggling in her pusher

and I close my eyes

feeling my salty tears
flood my being
drowning me in the muck and stench
of this endless summers heat

MY GIFT

My heart is open

And all I was, is shown

The ripple of doubt

Flows in and out of my shore

Dampening the sands of self

The dreams seep into my mind

As the sun and moon cross paths

The notes of my tune 

Empty from my mouth

Like a hollow strumming noise

My offering 

Is given up

The Dream: number ten

the walked upon path
folds round the back
of my head

my eyes get lost
in the space

as my shoulders hang
in the cupboard in the
corner of your room

with my grandmothers hands
I draw you close

the throat releases
a silent cry

my spine the paddle
to row my lost boat
to the safety
of your shore

The Dream: number nine

the golden coin
still under my pillow
your treasure map
well hidden
without spoken words
just a heart that loves you
strung between the tears
rolling toward the golden
threads on your shirt

to be loved

I'll stay awake
and keep the wolves away
the lights will dim
and the earth will go cold
but I will be here

he has my heart....

Yesterday I received an email from my dear friend Sean.  I am so grateful for him... ----------



Forwarded message ---------- From: "Sean Ross"
Date: 15/02/2013 2:12 PM Subject: 
To: "Sarah Martin" 

I really enjoyed your piece, 'Yesterday, I cried....'   Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds like there's been an enormous amount of growth in your life. I'm very proud of you, Sarah, and feel certain you'll continue to go from stength to strength, from hereon in. I'm sure you will prove to be an inspiration to others, yourself, in years to come.   

I love you xoxox 



Sean is one of the most talented, beautiful people I know. He wrote this heartfelt touching account of how we became friends, hopefully this gives an insight to how precious he is to me..... At the time I first met Sarah Martin, I had not long auditioned for Maestro Vladimir Vais, and was about to embark upon an exciting new exploration into the art of orchestral conducting. Sarah, herself, was in the throes of completing an Arts degree; majoring in creative writing. Having tired of the few months' exertion I'd endured at the diary factory in Collingwood, I had been searching further afield, for employment that would both complement, and add variety to, my ushering job with the Marriner Theatres. 


Surprisingly, I unearthed an advertisement for the charity fundraising company, Communication Direct, which just so happened to be located in the same neighbourhood as the diary factory. Sarah and I were in the same large group of new employees; commencing work together on the 25th of November, 1999. It was not until around the year 2001, however, that we actually became close friends. In fact, I can't even recall noticing Sarah amidst the throng of new employees, at induction; such were the sheer numbers of people being employed by the company, at the time.        


Indeed, although C.D. was a relatively small, 'boutique-style' affair, at the time the services of Sarah and mine were enlisted, it was nonetheless experiencing a boom in business. Whilst the company would later come to consolidate the full range of its commitments, quite drastically (perhaps having over-extended itself, and in so doing, over-estimated its ability to deliver satisfactory results to a number of the charities concerned), initially, Sarah and I worked on behalf of such charities as the Red Cross, Diabetes Victoria, Arthritis and Osteoporosis Victoria, and another one or two such organizations, whose names seem to have escaped my memory. We worked between the hours of 5pm and 9pm and, for the most part, were engaged in 'cold calling': prevailing upon the public to assist the charities we represented, by accepting a small book of raffle tickets; either to on-sell or to purchase outright, themselves. Originally, the nature of the job appealed to me, because it appeared to be a relatively easy and mindless one, which would no doubt afford me the chance to channel the greater part of my mental energy into my various creative endeavours.        


At the time we actually became bosom buddies, Sarah had yet to undergo the inner metamorphosis that would ultimately produce the strikingly self-assured individual that she had always been, deep down. What I came to admire most about Sarah was her quiet maturity and general nobility of character, coupled with her keen sense of good, old-fashioned fun! Just over two years my junior, Sarah became akin to a second sister, to me; showering light into what would otherwise have been a considerably dull working environment. In turn, Sarah seemed to be inspired by my drive; the sense of purpose and meaning with which my life was imbued. Not having had a clear sense of what she most wanted from life, this very sense of purpose was something to which she aspired, herself. Whilst not endowed with the soul of an artist, as such (as was the case with her mother, Mary Martin), Sarah was nevertheless possessed of quite a creative vein, herself; something which became manifestly expressed in her creative writing. Over time, Sarah became my best girlfriend. We both came to confide in one another our innermost thoughts and feelings; both joyous and disconsolate, alike.         


Perhaps what I remember most fondly about the 'Communication Direct' chapter of our lives is the fun we had at the weekend parties Sarah hosted, at her Grandma's house (where she lived for around four years). Naturally, these hotly-anticipated social events were contrived so as to impinge neither upon her Grandma's liberties, nor her general peace of mind! They were scheduled only on weekends when her Grandma had arranged to stay with other relatives, and presented Sarah with the rare opportunity of being able to lose herself in a state of self-induced oblivion! In an effort to further magnify her enjoyment of these excursions into mindless frivolity, Sarah made repeated attempts to lure me into a similar state of dulled consciousness, but alas, to no avail. Not being as fond of spirits (of the alcoholic variety, at any rate), I could never bring myself to match her level of intoxication!        


I shall forever be indebted to Sarah for the rare and precious gift of her enduring friendship. Her love and support over the years have been truly unconditional. She is a refreshingly non-judgmental person, who has successfully managed to retrieve my head from amidst the clouds, whenever it was in danger of being lost, there!    

 ~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 I am honored to call him my friend and thank him for this beautiful tribute to our friendship. A friendship that has never changed even with space and time.....

Apart from night

by full moon
love whispered
in the breeze
the quest
felt strong
there is no place
apart from night

the men who haven't thrown me from the train

yesterday I cried at work.

yesterday I cried in my manager's office.

yesterday I cried.

I have always had this thing about not being emotional at work and by  showing emotion you are in a sense showing a sign of weakness; I know crying is not weakness, it's an expression of feeling overwhelmed and this bubbling emotion inside needs to be released.

yesterday I cried.

Four months ago I was thrown into a leadership position where I became the supervisor for a division in our contract, Citipower Special Reading.

I never thought that I would be in this position, I never thought I had the capacity to lead people. I never believed I would be given an opportunity to take this role.

yesterday I cried.

I have had four believers in my court....actually as I write that I realise I have a lot of believers.  However, professionaly I have four clear front runners.

Paul McCann our Operations Manager, he's my friend firstly, but he's always been an advocate of mine at work. He's a perfect example of how I want to lead people....

Sean Keuneman my contract manager who I am grateful for the trust he has in me.  Unfortunately we have over my three years with Servicestream had some testing times personally, yet I have come to realise the heart on his sleeve is purely that, a heart.....you can't deny the heart.

Michael Hill who no longer works with us, but he, I think, started mentoring me long before I showed any potential, I see that now.....I will always be grateful for his presence in my life.

Finally Matt Mannix.  He was the reason I cried yesterday.  He is my biggest advocate, he has believed in my ability, tested my capability, put pressure, shown me how to lead, shown compassion, worked with my strengths and encouraged.  I have trusted whole heartedly in him and I thank him for the times he has been in the direct firing line of my impatience, frustrations my self disappointment but ultimately my eagerness to be the best I can be.

Yesterday I cried because of that, and I sit here now filling with that same emotion.

These men have never stopped believing in me even when I have....

for that I am grateful....

my heart is caught

today you came back
I couldn't lock my eyes
into yours
I search for the exit
gasping on air
remembering I did love

The Dream: number 8

in the middle of the night
you lie in the darkness
you rollout your soul
and I pick at its seams
as your eyes ripple
over me like
the mile long creek
flowing through my veins

Gratitude in Pain

Sometimes I even wonder if being a good person, with true, honest and good intention serves you well in a place and time when people who lie, cheat and disrespect others have equally the same "right".

I use the word right somewhat loosely.  We ALL have equal rights and needs and a level of deserved respect, but I wonder where that stops.

I NEVER want to use my platform here to grandstand my ideas or beliefs, I never want to use it for negativity or anger, I want this to be a place of peace, love and joy.

Writing does serve me well, writing gives me clarity, writing will ALWAYS be a voice I cant change.

Today I received some news, that can possibly have the ability to effect the path forward.

I am grateful that these past few months have taught me to breathe and to breathe through what potentially a few months back I would easily have allowed myself to fall in a darkness.......

I am grateful.....

The Dream: number 7

locked into memory
suffocating in fear
like concrete                          
poured into my lung
to harden
with your handprint            
pressed into me

Jackson the boy who brought joy

Today my godson/nephew started kindergarten.

Tonight we celebrated his first day by going out and having as he said "fancy" icrcream.

Seeing his joy and listening to him re-tell his adventure from the day filled me with so much love for him.

Oh I will add Miss Isabel also celebrated her first day at kinder, "I big girl...."

My love for them is full of pure joy

The Dream: number 6

she fell from me
covered in my love
her eyes tightly shut
clutching at my soul

grateful for that that feeds my soul

Looking toward gratitude has given me comfort, after a really testing day.

I'm grateful for getting a ride home from work from Paul always great conversation, great music, laughter (soul food) and not having to face public transport, soooooo grateful for that.

I'm grateful for the amazing dinner my grandmother cooked for me, always feeds me on many levels.  Spending time with her is priceless, I am a better person because of her and all she is in my life.

I'm grateful for the music of Imelda May...I can become anything through music :-) (more soul food!!)

And as I'm about to switch the light off on today I receive an sms from my friend Melanie telling me she loved the  poem I posted on here this morning.  Her support and belief makes the writing journey rewarding.  Her friendship makes me a better forever developing Sarah, and for that I am grateful.....

Lastly I am grateful that tomorrow will present a new opportunity to do see and create better...

The Dream: number 5

I saw your brother yesterday
I sat behind him on the bus
I wanted to ask him about you 
I thought he looked back at me
I felt the clenching of my hand
I remembered the sand on my skin
I watched the clouds gather     
I tasted the salt on my lips       
I still held you in my heart

Grateful for Anna

Today I had coffee with a friend who I have not seen in almost two years.  I was nervous...

Some friendships no matter what time or space present, can for some unknown reason, survive.

I met Anna during our time at the cafe, she was a loyal customer, who became a friend, and at that time I was grateful.

In the beginning of our friendship, Anna was possibly going through one of the toughest things we all will ever experience; the death of her mother.   I am glad that at that time I could be there for her.

We parted ways, Anna started the beginning of a new career (which I might add is truly flourishing now!!) and I too was on a different path, having finished up at the cafe, travelling and finding a new career for myself.

But we never lost contact, even when not seeing each other that often, in fact, due to circumstance, having not spent any time together for two years.

Two days ago she entered my mind, and I sent her a SMS just saying hi, and hoping she was doing OK.

Today we caught up over a coffee.

Anna had not changed (do we ever anyway!!) the warmth of her being just pushed me back in my chair, her presence comforting....

Today I am grateful for Anna.....

Morning beliefs....

I've just began reading Believing is Seeing by Laura Lawson. In 2010 I Googled "visually impaired writer" and she was the first in my search and ever since I have been following her written and visual journey, I follow her relationship with Instagram and her amazing shots and now she is a published writer.

She too lives with Retinitis Pigmentosa and she continually affirms the belief, as the title of her book announces BELIEVING IS SEEING....thank you Laura....check out Laura's blog at http://lauralawsonart.com/blog

I have just reached page 26 where Laura talks about night vision or lack of and how in company, walking and navigating is best done by linking arms and mirroring the stride of someone close.

It instantly made me think of my aunt Nicole, who is by far the greatest guide for me. She gets me places, she doesn't wait for me to process the "what ifs" or me becoming a victim....we get going and I know I need to trust her more than I do because by not trusting I make it harder for her.

I am grateful for you Nicole (for many reasons!!!) and for this I love you....

Oh the places you'll go ~ Dr Seuss....gratitude already at work!!

Already the gratitude movement begins....grateful for this email this morning....thank you Deb :-)

On 31/01/2013, at 10:19 AM, "Deborah Ellks" wrote:

Sarah, just read your blog….fresh, raw, honest, free, and so YOU!!!!! Thanks for sharing. I trust 2013 is going to be awesome whatever it brings!!! Keep in mind your outcome …. Peace, contentment, there’s a million roads to there……no right .. no wrong….and most important of all … enjoy!
With love deb x

Deb Ellks

From: Sarah [mailto:sarahjmartin24@gmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, 31 January 2013 11:07 AM
To: Deborah Ellks
Subject: Re: blog

Oh hello!!!

Thank you....your email has warmed my heart and yet again added to the things I'm grateful for :-) I don't like to break things down too much and micro analyze and say THIS IS THE YEAR WHEN ALL GOOD THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN....I know that's not how it works....(actually I am a micro analyst!!!!) but trying the each day as it comes method, see how I go....

Sarah


From: "Deborah Ellks"
Date: 31 January 2013 11:21:37 AM AEDT
To: "'Sarah'"
Subject: RE: blog

enjoy the journey and have a great day!!! Funnily enough I’m sitting here writing a report, and gone back to basics in structuring the report…OMG……here’s my inspiration for today (for me….and now you if you choose!)…I keep reading to myself out loud!!! And giggling occasionally.

“You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

D x

My Personal Gratitude Movement

I stand waiting at the train stop.  I stand with a thought.

I want to be grateful.

I stop and look up...I don't think it is that simple, we live in an extremely busy world, we have numerous roles, expectations, want more, have more.  I am one of these people, yet I always thought I was rather connected, connected to the earth, but I'm guilty of being caught in the complexities of filling my life with all things unnatural.

So how do I get this sense of being back?

As I embarked into 2013 I did not make any resolutions for the New Year.  However, I did have a conversation with myself in my dreamy sleep state:

“Let this year be one where I am just content, find that place where peace is my companion and learn to be in the now.”

The only place is the now.

Days have passed since that thought however this idea of being content and in the now, keep taking me to a place of gratitude "be grateful for today Sarah, feel today's greatness"  The idea of gratitude is with me every day, this I know but it's my awareness that is lacking, the acknowledging of its powerful presence.

So how can I live a more enriched life?  I know this isn't a new idea; gratitude is a lifelong commitment people have been making for centuries.  So why does this have to be different for me?? I have let this idea rest within me and then as the world generally does I have been presented with signs of encouragement about how gratitude is actually a strong force in my life.

Firstly a piece of writing entered my blog reel, cementing this idea.  Melanie Selemidis, who I believe is one of the most talented writers, but mostly she is my beautiful friend, constantly she reminds me what gratitude is by the presence she has in my life.  I have known her for almost 20 years and she creates a world that has shown me unconditional love and amazing experience.  She was asked to contribute to a piece of writing compiled by her friend and another talented writer Anita Heiss where on her blog she poses the question "what are the 5 things you are grateful for?"  Reading Melanie's response, which can be found on both her and Anita's blog at Melanie Selemidis and Anita Heiss and after reading other peoples answer to the same question I felt totally inspired, committing me to the gratitude movement. 

Secondly I had a conversation with Emma Barton, who admittedly I don’t know all that well, however feel completely grateful for her coming into my life through her amazing partner Paul McCann, who continually inspires me to think beyond the line walked upon each day (thanks Paul!!)  I said to her I would like to write/create a gratitude blog/FB page where my challenge is to track a thing or things I am grateful for each day and invite people to contribute and she thought it was a great idea and as she said “they say gratitude is a key ingredient of happiness” following by not applying pressure to contribute every day and keep it more organic and contribute whenever I feel grateful - it could be several times a day or once a week. She finished by saying she thought it was a lovely idea and was sure to make her feel happy reading it.

 This year it will be 18 years ago that I was diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP).  For the past 18 years I have lived with, through, beside, in denial, because of, in response to and against the disease.  Before I began writing and even thinking about gratitude I would have said living with RP would be the thing I am the least grateful for having in my life, believing that my life would be better, that I would be better, without it.  

Then entered the book Focus written by Ingrid Ricks a memoir about her journey from being diagnosed with RP, raising two daughters developing the relationship with her husband, navigating her way through her career and how this condition turned her life upside down but landed her in a place where living her dreams was the only thing possible.  Then something occurred to me.  It is because of this condition I discovered Focus and was lucky enough to connect with Ingrid, you can find more about Ingrid through her blog Ingrid Ricks and i have been able to see that living with RP is not a death sentence.

It's because of the condition I have connected with other people in the RP community each living and discovering the world through limited vision.  I was fortunate through my job that I was able to meet a fantastic and inspiring guy, Mitch Barrie who works in our clients contact centre, after almost two years of conversation with him, never having once discussed my condition we discovered each other on a community Retinitis Pigmentosa page on Facebook, he too lives with condition.  Through his courage and similar struggles professionally I was able to gain the confidence to approach my employers with my personal concerns about my vision. 

On that note professionally the past year has been one full of peaks and troughs.  However, the one thing I have learnt is to trust in others.  I had to admit weakness to my manager that I believed my eyesight was impacting how I did my job, he showed me I was and am more than a person living with Retinitis Pigmentosa.  Matt Mannix, is by far the greatest role model I have had in a professional sense, he has mentored me to a place where I am always eager to learn more, and because of the eye condition, I have pushed myself to learn as much as I can.

I can’t deny there are times of complete negativity and I have allowed my fears take total control, it has stopped me from doing things, going places, taking risks, it cripples me, rips my heart out and throws it around.  Enter Anita Balaz, another contact through work, she works with Mitch and has shown me such warmth in the smallest of things, re-affirming about the living in the now, re-affirming about how all I have is control over the NOW in my life.

I am grateful mostly for the people I have in my life and the ones that keep me grounded. Another sign how gratitude is present in my life on the weekend just past my god mother, Bernie Dean, reminded me how lucky I am to have had experiences, I have travelled overseas and had tried many things.  She reminded me because of RP I've lived my dream of waking up in Paris.

This condition is the backbone, force and inspiration, it makes me stop and look, feel and breathe in my world, it is because of RP I have to “see” in different ways, making me think of Kaylene Evers another friend who I seem to be connected with in a spiritual sense, I always know when there is something going on in her life and she needs some support, constantly she reminds me of the power of friendship and “being there” in whatever sense it is and how being true to who you are is the most important thing.  I am constantly grateful for her allowing me to be there for her.  And then there is Agnes Demes, my housemate, the craziest (in the kindest sense!!) woman I know, she does things, she goes places, takes risks and does not regret, sharing a living space with her has been one of an eye opener for me.  Then there is my Mum, my grandmother, my aunt Nicole, my nephew Jackson and his deep eyes, and my niece Isabel, loving every aspect of the world , my friend Troy, cousin Laura, I could go on listing the people in my life......

So anyway, going back to the start, I am sitting in my apartment finally understanding gratitude and from today, I want to dedicate time, a huge amount of time to my living and dedicating to the gratitude movement and feature on my blog, entries showing the things I am grateful for.  I would like to invite you also to contribute and show your own gratitude....feel free to email me on sarahjmartin24@gmail.com the things that make your life more enriched and I will be sure to feature them on my blog.

I want to thank you for reading this and if I haven’t mentioned you in the above it doesn’t mean you have not played a part in who I am or what I am.  It means there is a entry coming dedicated just to you......

The Dream; number 4

You threw stones
Like empty words
That broke my heart
I watched as the moon
Pulled the light
From its pocket
And the shadows came
Looking
Deep into me
Like you did

The Dream; number 3

We sit beneath
The gold of the wattle tree
Taking rest
By the mud infused dam
We were told
She was a wandering spirit
Moved by the flow
Of our love
And like breath

We hold onto it

The Dream; number 2

You have fallen out
Of my dreams
Upon my pillow
Returning to
Me each night
Broken in pieces
For me to put you back

The Dream

I had a dream with you last night.
We were sitting by an indoor swimming pool.
Birds kept flying toward us.
The roof had the texture of a floral painting and the birds had been sketched
into the air.
Neither of us went swimming, but you went into the change rooms but never came out....

the hunger

we are dressed in black
to mourne the darkness
covering the light
that is not bright enough
to shine