Point one in the journey to happiness. Restful sleep.....
So book club day continued......
I stopped flicking through the books and we talked. Or should I say I talked and he listened. I usually find myself being the listener in most situations, I like that role, I find comfort in the times I don't focus on the voice in my head. But today for some reason I had to speak.
Whether its exhaustion, whether its my sensitive heart, whether its the writing itself, whether its the new elements of being forced to look deep within, but I suddenly have reached a cross roads and I hate how it is making me feel.
What am I meant to be doing with my life?
What are my goals?
What are my dreams?
What are my desires?
Am I meant to strive harder (because of my failing eyesight, or just because??). Because I feel there are all these expectations placed upon me to BE, to BECOME, to WANT and to then ACHIEVE. Do I want any of that, can I be any of that.
I want to write, and I want to write well.
Isn't this enough?? I don't know if it is good enough to want more from it and do I even believe in it. I keep using the words "flippant" and "fluffing around". But today I realise these words are protection. I fear.
I notice the media and society show us all the above achievers, people especially with impairments, diseases, deformities etc overcome these hurdles and go on to achieve HUGE things. I am not one of those people. I am average Sarah, who has never wanted to be number one, or the best or recognised. So why would I want that now??
So my discussion with Troy. We decided firstly that happiness is sometimes not a happy place. I do believe that. Happiness is a place we strive for, when really it is a feeling, it is fleeting, it hangs around, it covers you with warmth, its inviting and resilient. But sometimes is daunting and hard work, extremely time consuming and frustrating.
I am fortunate, I have a good heart. I see things with goodness, and I always want good things for people. People I care about DESERVE to be in a place of comfort and joy and have hearts that experience freedom.
That's all I want for myself.
Is that enough? Or am I trying to convince myself that is enough so I don't want more. Am I scared to jump off the ledge into the world. Is it the darkness that holds me back in more ways than I have ever known and is it my confrontation with that that makes me realise that there is more to this personal puzzle than I realise?? Troy, somewhat reflected back to me that I do have fear and it does stop me, and that I do struggle to identify what I want from my life because I am scared. Enter Melanie. She is the light that has sparked my connection with the written word and I have lit the internal flame that has driven me to write and believe in my words. I am so lucky to have her in this special place. She believes in me and she has encouraged me in so many ways. For that I am blessed, for that I am fortunate, for that I am able to grow....
She sees me for what I am, nothing less nothing more. She wants happiness for me, she wants me to WANT it for MYSELF. She writes, she dreams she desires and she works bloody hard to have it all. I admire her so very much. She gets it, she gets me....
I am scared.
I don't want to be the BEST. I just want to BE and that means find comfort for myself in myself. I don't want doubt words scaring me into hiding, the shadows of life frightening me.
I value you Troy.
I value you Melanie.
an orange covered book
like clouds weaved amongst
the sun of Springs first morning
uplifting the spirit
the guilt of time passed
through the night
the soul was released in the dark
like the blind feeling moth
Thanks for Book Club Day, thanks for two beautiful friends and thanks for the heart to grow