As my light becomes dark

I intertwine my words and vision into woven light

Saturday, October 9, 2010


Today, with light in my life, love in my heart, my open mind, the desire always for goodness I should have focus and purpose and none of the life squeezing doubts in my presence.  

BUT what happens when all those elements are put to the test and questioned???  Do you dig deeper within and find that extra something?  Do you get yourself drunk and wash the worries away?  Do you embrace the fear and anxiety and give in a roll with the waves of uncertainty?  What do you do, where do you go, how do you see things, better things, forget and reject things, accept them, embrace them, be be be, find, love, search.......or do you just......simple.  Am I wanting too much, when I already have so much.

I AM SCARED.  The past few days have been filled with doubt and questioning.  I visited Vision Australia earlier this week, where I was firstly humbled, being greeted by a visually impaired receptionist, who had co-workers with visual restrictions, and here I was walking into an environment where it was all decked out with visual aids and I felt like I shouldn't have been there. 

But I was meant to be there, possibly one of the first times over the past 16 years and living, dealing and navigating my way through RP I realised that the present and future of my visual life is changing, restricting, closing in.  Caroline who I had my consultation with was lovely, normal and could sense my lack of acceptance with my condition.  We did heaps of tests, there will be further tests, mobility training is being scheduled, "jobs in jeopardy" will take place, and I guess the rest is up to me.

Anyway, without all the in between details once my consultation was over and I walked out, I passed a group of elderly people there for a group session, all covered in smiles and happiness and it was then I realised my deep problem with this is ACCEPTING it, and adapting.  Even though I live with it day in day out, its actually a soul acceptance that I need to have, not just a physical.

So I will search deeper

Here I MUST mention my beautiful friend Melanie, who ALWAYS does her utmost best to push the positive, think the best, embrace the light.  Today she sent me some hope via the cyber world, and basically sending her goodness.   I guess I don't need to be in  fear with her around.

She sent me this link......a blog entry by the great Paulo Coelho, amazing man, amazing blog, and amazing entry.....NORMAL......jolted me back to the light, the warmth and MYSELF

so my soul searching begins

Show me your soul
Bear its roots
Its flourishing leaves
The coolness of its breeze
The comforting shadow
Scent of truth
Yearning place of desire
The mouldy crevasse
Crashing waves of happiness
Sowing the seeds of regret
The incomplete action
Half full buckets of dreams
The catalogue of chance
Unforgiving impulses
Hope, caught in a web of denial
The map toward your sun
Memories buried below the weeds
The flavour of your touch
The liquid of your visions
And the beauty in your existence

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