Purple Cloth

The purple cloth
Draped with silence
Hope breaks each morning
Cracking our souls
With its radiating beauty
Screaming as the winds change
Where is she?
The dream comes with sacrifice
Golden buds held amongst the swarm of bees
Praying for forgiveness
Why am I not good enough for you?
Lost amongst your hurt
As closed eyes flutter
Tomorrow the dawn may hide
Darkness will lead
But I will wait for you
Always....

VOMITING IN MY MOUTH AND SWALLOWING IT

A lovely evening shared with Damien and Jules.

Julianne.  My soul sister....I met her 5 years ago, when we owned DC's Cafe, she managed Boost and every morning, she would stop off at the cafe for a coffee.  To begin with we had nothing but idle chatter, complain about our hours, the fools the frequented Northland.  But as time went on we developed a friendship.  Well actually before that I must say she begged to be my friend (hahahahha, not really!!!) but she begged me week in and week out to come with her crew to Trivia at the local pub.  Week in and week out I would say no, not wanting to be a tag along, not knowing anyone and all these other little insecurities.  My Mum pointed out to me that Jules had asked me 3 times and I should at least do the courtesy of accepting her invitation.  So I did, and 5 years later and lots of different team members she and I STILL are a show at Trivia.

So that's where it all began for us.  She ended up working with us at the cafe, where she became the biggest of support to me.  She knows all she did, and I know all the things she did, she basically kept me going when giving up for me seemed like the only option.  She realised she wanted to be a teacher (and will be a GREAT one), fell in love with Damien (and so did I!), went to Japan, America, quit Boost, we have shared many, many, many drinks, she keeps me very leveled, and I always know when I need her, OUR normalness, no bullshit, no airy fairy emotions (that I always get trapped in), good old plain friendship.  Both being country girls, the earth and simpleness of life keeps us connected.  We both loooovvveeeee music, especially Kasey Chambers.

My soul sister.....we are the sisters without sisters.  I love that, and soon I will lose her to the outback, the earth and children of Bonya (near Alice Springs) call her.  Soon she will be my friend from a distance.  i am not ready for that yet.  So.....

ANYYYYYWAAAAYYYYYYYY.....last night we headed off to see The Wellingtons, Jules discovered and introduced them to me.  Our happy band, the band who makes you smile, the music, light and warm and beautiful.  It was fun, the city a buzz because of the Music Festival and the Fringe Festival.  Was fun, enjoyed it.

We headed back into Northcote where we decided to have dinner and drinks at The Wesley Ann, an old church turned into a pub.  Beautiful, grungy, easy going place.  Like it, good food and yep the beer was running freely....hahahah.  As usual our dissecting of the world didn't last long, we decided we don't like smug people, talked about music, work, teaching, books, my writing, but then things changed.

We, and don't ask me how arrived at my experience of vomiting in my mouth and swallowing it, while in the car on the way home from my cousins Deb a few moths ago.  Damien asked me if I had blogged about that.  Hahahaha, "NO" he said it was a good representation of life really and blogging and how people interactt and present themselves.

So as promised i said I would blog my tainted self.  hahahah....and unfortunately I see this as a wonderful (yet personally disgusting, and soooooo not proud, or dignified) moment of discovering metaphor.

Eating my words
Holding them in
The disgusting bile
That rises up my throat
Holding tightly shut
My mouth clutching
Onto the words from
My heart
My thoughts swish amongst
My teeth
The bitterness under my tongue
The gagging on truth
Asphyxiated by lies
Choking on my views
Vomiting in my mouth
And then swallowing it

Hey guys thanks for a great night.....hahhahahah

MY 15TH EYE

Today, with light in my life, love in my heart, my open mind, the desire always for goodness I should have focus and purpose and none of the life squeezing doubts in my presence.  

BUT what happens when all those elements are put to the test and questioned???  Do you dig deeper within and find that extra something?  Do you get yourself drunk and wash the worries away?  Do you embrace the fear and anxiety and give in a roll with the waves of uncertainty?  What do you do, where do you go, how do you see things, better things, forget and reject things, accept them, embrace them, be be be, find, love, search.......or do you just......simple.  Am I wanting too much, when I already have so much.

I AM SCARED.  The past few days have been filled with doubt and questioning.  I visited Vision Australia earlier this week, where I was firstly humbled, being greeted by a visually impaired receptionist, who had co-workers with visual restrictions, and here I was walking into an environment where it was all decked out with visual aids and I felt like I shouldn't have been there. 

But I was meant to be there, possibly one of the first times over the past 16 years and living, dealing and navigating my way through RP I realised that the present and future of my visual life is changing, restricting, closing in.  Caroline who I had my consultation with was lovely, normal and could sense my lack of acceptance with my condition.  We did heaps of tests, there will be further tests, mobility training is being scheduled, "jobs in jeopardy" will take place, and I guess the rest is up to me.

Anyway, without all the in between details once my consultation was over and I walked out, I passed a group of elderly people there for a group session, all covered in smiles and happiness and it was then I realised my deep problem with this is ACCEPTING it, and adapting.  Even though I live with it day in day out, its actually a soul acceptance that I need to have, not just a physical.

So I will search deeper

Here I MUST mention my beautiful friend Melanie, who ALWAYS does her utmost best to push the positive, think the best, embrace the light.  Today she sent me some hope via the cyber world, and basically sending her goodness.   I guess I don't need to be in  fear with her around.

She sent me this link......a blog entry by the great Paulo Coelho, amazing man, amazing blog, and amazing entry.....NORMAL......jolted me back to the light, the warmth and MYSELF

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/01/07/inventory-of-normality/





so my soul searching begins

MY 15TH EYE

Show me your soul

Bear its roots

Its flourishing leaves

The coolness of its breeze

The comforting shadow

Scent of truth

Yearning place of desire

The mouldy crevasse

Crashing waves of happiness

Sowing the seeds of regret

The incomplete action

Half full buckets of dreams

The catalogue of chance

Unforgiving impulses

Hope, caught in a web of denial

The map toward your sun

Memories buried below the weeds

The flavour of your touch

The liquid of your visions

And the beauty in your existence

GOLF BALLS, SAND AND BEER...."A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future....." Michael J Fox

Today .  Mmmmmm today, confusing, questionable, undeciding.  Until I found a new book.  I was searching Target, looking for a present for the undeserving and I ended up wandering (of course) toward the book section.  Please I begged inwardly, find a book, find a book to take home.   Just as I was about to turn around and leave, without a present for the undeserving, or a book, there on the bottom shelf a small book glistened its sparkling lights at me.

“A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future.....” By Michael J. Fox was now mine....”life is a ride. Strap in. Hold on and keep your eyes open.  Exactly the words I needed to hear. 

Desperate to get onto the tram so I could begin it....

CHAPTER ONE: Finally the beginning

Begining with a little sotry

A university professor standing at the front of a class with a large empty jar and a bucket of golf balls. The professor asks a student to fill the jar with as many golf balls as she can
possibly fit in. When the student is finished, the professor asks the class if the jar is truly
full. After they say that it is, the professor pulls out a tray with a mound of sand. With
great care, he starts pouring the sand into the jar, shaking it gently to help the sand
work its way in. So is the jar now full? You may think so, but the professor now pulls out
a can of beer, opens it and to the students amazement is able to carefully pour over half
of the can into the seemingly full jar. it is a story about how we choose
to fill our time and our lives. The golf balls represent the important things in your life. If
you put them in first, you will still have room for some of the less important things.
However, if you allow the less important things (the sand and the beer) to come first,
you will never find time to devote to those things that really matter.

And here I begin.  Ready to fill my jar with golf balls, sand and beer.  If I needed a sign today, this is it.  Another book I already know will impact my thinking, my feeling, my life....

IS THIS FATE?

Like silent movies

The black and white memories

Move quickly

In love you love

But there is no love

The world is crushing

With thoughts and expectation

The returning

The fate

Time creates space

Given up love

The folding of cards

Loving is hard

Losing the game of passion

Fear lying on the table

It has returned

Broken memories are swept

Under the worn rug

With the invisible broom

That hangs in the cupboard near

My heart

Eyes like deep swirling whirlpools

Catching the spirit in the current

As tear drops fall on the inside

Flowing downward

As time and space are forgotten

Filling, the dam lying in the bottom

Of the lungs

Drowning the spirit in a deep

Salty fluid

Flooding every drawn breathe

The reflection of the water

The body standing on the edge

Looking deep into the eyes

Scared to jump into the current

Whispers of love float on the top

Clouds gather

The hand releases a little boat

The breeze from the heart

Directs it to the horizon

At the back of the mind

The sun from the soul falls

Toward the horizon

The sky speaks

The swirling water stands still

Things will never be the same again

The screams go unheard

As the boat begins to sink

ONE DAY IN OCTOBER

Happy Grand Final Day, take 2, as water was spilled into the foxtel outlet, the cabana fell on the floor, screaming crying children, vodka, betting on the ball....overwhelming, enjoyable and thrilling....maybe!!!  Football....

The intensity rising with the chant

Yellow men

Running amongst the heat

Trusting the flying heart

The belief in wanting

Chasing the win

People gather desiring gold

As the green carpet engulfs

Many charging men

An army after the crown

Nothing unless they are leading

Knowing

Believing

As the dark and light

Win the battle

Riding the Black Cockatoo by John Danalis. How a story becomes a journey

I sit and I wait for the words to find me.  Realising they are me.  I have just finished reading Riding the Black Cockatoo by John Danalis, and I don’t know where to begin.  Beautiful, enriching, soul effecting, amazing, informative, but what I consider a book that was MEANT to land in my lap, have the pages turned by my hand and my heart uplifted and changed. 

I grew up amongst the earth, where nature and change of seasons, wildlife, and the flow affect of the soil, the moon, water, spirit and nurturing engulfed my existence.  Not aware until recently that this way of living is in my soul and how I greeted most days of my childhood, unaware of how the earth revolves and supports the beginning and ending of each movement.

So the book.  Firstly, the title kept arising to me in different ways, Melanie who knows all about books and authors mentioned this author and following him on Twitter and had shared another of John Danalis books with her daughter.  My Mum had heard the name on Radio National, my friend who has been doing her teaching placement in Bonya, an Aboriginal community near Alice Springs, highlighted my lack of understanding, yet desire to learn more about Aboriginal heritage.

BUT this all really began because of my younger cousin Jack, who is wise and knowledgeable and has begun his own exploration into race and where we come from, where racism takes us and how knowledge and understanding can free us.  So after hearing about this book, and gooogling its title and author I thought it a great place for him, and I guess for me to begin our adventure into the Australian past and present, Aboriginality and self discovery really.  He is 11 and upon purchasing the book, and beginning it I realise this book may be a little too much for him to grasp, so have held off giving him his copy, sort of need to equip myself with a bit of knowledge myself.

So I begin the book.  The line that was my hook (and I am thinking it will be for most people!!) is “Well I grew up with an Aboriginal skull on my mantelpiece”

From here on in I am a slave to the story and can’t put the book down, being filled with tingles and moments of seeing my own story.  A not so important part maybe but the part that I grew much of self from is on page 19 the description of the mantelpiece takes place.  Moving me greatly and how much we shelve the past and all the “important” things in our lives, photos, china, silver, all the “good” stuff, the important precious stuff.

Mary (who is actually a male) is a skull that has lived in the Danalis household, present and presented to the world.  Unaware of its power to change a family it journeys it way back to its homeland (country) to eventually be laid to rest.  Along the way John discovers his own connection to country and the importance of “who you are” rather than “what you are”.  I found this amazing and heart-warming, at times also I felt heartbreak and pain for him as he discovered the journey is not always as cut and dry as we think.

But through his journey a connection is made, and a release and understanding of history and future combine to open the mind, forgive the past and make way for a future of cultures and race coming together.

The book has reaffirmed to me that life presents us with many signs to guide us in the direction we are meant to go.   I write.  In writing I realise I keep going to the theme of birds.  Birds with broken wings, birds with freedom, caged birds, and spirits trapped in birds, shedding of feathers.  Recently I posed a writing challenge to myself and Melanie image “feathers, shell, charm”.  I have an empty bird cage in my bedroom.  I hold onto a memory of a lost bluebird charm that I lost as a child, my first gift from a great grandmother who I only know through stories and my father’s memory.  I just purchased two cds one Kasey Chambers new album called “Little Bird” and another by Passenger called “Flight of the Crow”, my 2 year old nephew seeks out little birds in the sky, I find feathers on randomly on the footpaths in the Northern suburbs of Melbourne.  And now this book has flown its way into my life.  Birds reappear many times within the pages.  This book is full of many signs.

The eagle; he’s my bird; he welcomes me when I return to my country. “There see him, he always here to greet me?” Jida pulled off the road and drove down a little layby which ran to a creek.  We got out and stretched, but this was more than a rest stop for Jida, he was home.

Without giving too much away this book goes without saying, should be read and embraced and if doesn’t open the hearts to at least thinking about there they themselves come from, they have missed the essence of the book.  This is a book about returning what belongs to the owners of the land, BUT more importantly it is about spirit and how spirits can combine:

The Wirinun formed us, black and white, into a line and brushed us over one by one with the smoking branch of green eucalypt sapling.  Despite the smoke, the leaves felt cool, their oily freshness resisting total ignition.  He explained the importance of fire and how it lay at the root if Aboriginal Law an culture. “Fire is our gateway to the Dreamtime. This smoke is the healer; come breathe it.”

Thanks John, for impacting my life, opening my mind, affecting my spirit and having the courage to write such a beautiful and important story.  Riding the Black Cockatoo will now stay with me forever as I fly forward into a life now with a new sense of who we are, where we are and embracing the importance of returning to our country.