As my light becomes dark

I intertwine my words and vision into woven light

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

An open letter of forgivness to Sarah

Dear Sarah

This is an open letter of the time you write the final word you must be ready, ready to lead from a place where you treat yourself with the same love and respect you treat others with.

Going blind is not the curse you are burdened with.  Going blind has actually become the backbone of your spirit. 
Your curse is YOU the you which is not confident or brave or a self believer. 
You sit alone with yourself and think you have lost your mind.
You think you are responsible for how others judge you and 
You criticize your spirit till you break it.  

But today you will make peace with yourself.

I HATE how no one believed you as a child when you repetivly said you couldn't see.

I HATE that as a child you were left in dark situations and were petrified.  
I HATE for the night walks on school camps and you getting left behind on your own where you felt your first sense of isolation in dark and silence.  

I HATE for the bike rides home in the middle of winter at night, riding home from netball training where you were part of a team who didn't want you as much as you didn't want to be there because you couldn't see the netball.  
I HATE for the roller skating rinks with flashing lights, parties and discos,  staying at friends places and knocking over glasess and glasses of milk and being yelled at, walking into barbed wire fences, walking into trees walking into your friends.

I HATE that you were a drama queen and you set yourself up to not be believed,  that being so needy of attention didn't allow room for truth to serve you well.

I HATE that when you were 17 years old you made the grown up decision of not obtaining a drivers license,  for knowing the pain of one day relinquishing the right. And I HATE from that day forward you have battled with yourself about that integral part of becoming a young adult and in one part of your mind you will always be that 17 year old.  
I HATE how you have to go with your mum to family functions and at times feel trapped when you can't leave.  
I HATE how you have to rely on people at times to get you places and I HATE that they don't mind and I HATE you feel like you are putting people out.  
I HATE that you be stubborn and sometimes put yourself in situations that are unsafe.

I HATE the rubbish bin at your aunties that you used to always trip over and the cuburbs you smash your face on, the metal pillars,  the steps and gutters, dark hallways, small children, pets, chairs, the corners of furniture.

I HATE the time you were introduced to a young guy at a party who lived with deafness, no one told you he was deaf or him that you were visually impaired and you did not see him stick out his hand to shake yours and he thought you were rude. I HATE all the hand shaking moments you have missed,  or the missed waves of hello. 

I HATE your lack of eyesight means you miss out on taking your niece and nephew out into the world, to the shops, to the park just with you.

I HATE the thoughts you have of being late anywhere,  entering a room on your own, crowds, dark venues and door handles you can't find.

I HATE how you were crippled by panic on the island of Santorini,  how the beauty and enormoity of the place was so astounding and soul shaking it possibly changed your spirit.  You saw first hand how your visual impairment can burden others, and I HATE that 8 months later you still blame yourself for that time.

I HATE how you feel responsible that your friends have turned their back on you. You are not responsible for thier choice.  They don't deserve what you have to offer.

I HATE the frustration and anger and the pretending when things really are not OK.  I HATE the uncertainty about time frames and cures and the loss of hope that eats around the periphery.

But mostly I HATE the fear you have learnt over the past twenty years and have carried with you and in you.  Your anxiety is real your concerns true.  BUT that is where you need to leave it.

Your life is NOW, and you are a beautiful caring human.  And its time to make peace and resolve with yourself.  Matt Corby you saved my soul from truly breaking My Resolution the true message in song.

Sarah I believe in you
And Sarah with each obstacle I know you will look straight down the barrel and combat and fight.
Sarah I love you

Sarah I forgive you

1 comment:

  1. Hi Sarah, this is astonishing writing - it almost drove me to tears. I was bullied and alone at school in England and here. I'm sorry you felt all these things and you are so strong for putting these sentiment out there. Well done you brave woman, love, bee xox